


Relapse

by Day Dreamer Five (WanderingZigzag)



Category: Zombies Run!
Genre: F/M, Fem Five, Mental Health Issues, PTSD, Self Harm, Spoilers all of season 1 & 2, Torture, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-07
Updated: 2016-07-20
Packaged: 2018-07-22 03:08:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7417228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WanderingZigzag/pseuds/Day%20Dreamer%20Five
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the events of season 2 life in Able finally slows down for a minute, and unfortunately for runner Five her past starts to catch up</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Darkness, my old friend

**Author's Note:**

> Major content warning for graphic depictions of mental illness  
> *please note that many more content warnings will apply to subsequent chapters*
> 
> An AU set soon after season 2, where nobody is a traitor, and nobody has gone missing (or at least not yet). Begins with established Sam/Five relationship

Five had been in Able for nearly a year, and with Sam for six blissful months, well, as much as a zombie apocalypse can be blissful that is. They were Able's golden couple. Five was practically a celebrity (which she hated with every fiber of her body), so everyone talking about her love life became an unfortunate extension of that, people could not stop talking about how cute they were, but God she loved him so damn much that she couldn't begrudge them for noticing.

But things had been changing. The consistently sweet and dependable nature of their relationship was becoming increasingly fiery. Sam had the best of intentions, he just wanted to keep her safe, as much as he had swore black and blue that their relationship would not affect his role as her operator, lately some of his instructions had been ...overly cautious? At first Five obeyed his every word without question, just like all the runners did and always have, but eventually there was a mission where she just snapped;

It was an ordinary supply run to an electrical store to scavenge the less important things that were still left. Her backpack was not even half full when Sam told her to get out because the zom's were approaching. Without hesitation she sprinted to the door, only to stop when she looked up to see just 2 shamblers coming down the road from a distance that would take them more than a minute to cover.   
"Are you fucking kidding me Sam?" She spat with weeks of pent up frustration, before spinning on her heel to resume stuffing her bag with cables.  
"What?...What are you doing Five?!"  
"Their miles off Sam and my bag is still half empty!" She retorted  
"Five they are coming!"  
"Yeah? well tell me when they get here Sam" was her blunt response through gritted teeth  
"Fiiiiive they're almost at the door!"  
"Good" she finished zipping up her backpack, removing her axe from where it was secured on the side. She strode purposefully to the door instead of running, stepped outside, with Sam yelling through the headset for her to run. She paused and looked at the approaching shamblers, the first just out of arms reach, then lifted the axe and took them out one after the other, channeling as much of her anger as she could into those two swift blows. She smiled to herself before switching off her headset (and Sam's carrying-on that she honestly hadn't been hearing a word of) before jogging back to Able in silence.   
"You live for the thrill of the fight Five" Sara had said to her once, "that's something we have in common you and I" it pained her to remember Sara's words, an emotion she quickly pushed down, replacing it again with the anger she was currently feeling towards Sam Yao.

She jogged back through the gates wearing her trademark poker face, before sweetly asking one of the guards if they would mind returning her headset for her as she had 'somewhere to be', a request which the guard accepted with the utmost enthusiasm. Five was quietly thankful that there was other runners in the field so Sam wouldn't be able to come after her for a while. 

In a town like Able it would be impossible to avoid him for long though, and it's not like she really wanted to, but she needed some time to calm down and collect her thoughts, which she did as usual whilst running laps on the track. An hour and a half later she was still running despite not even taking a break after her mission, the last of the runners returned and Sam came and found her.

They didn't exactly start a shouting match, Five had too much control for that, but it certainly wasn't quiet either, and the few runners in the training ground after a moment of shock quickly made themselves scarce. By dinner everyone in the town had heard about the fight, the tension at the table was palpable, Five maintained an icily cold composure whilst Sam stabbed viciously at his food with his fork, with all the composure of a six year old who had been told they were grounded and not getting their dessert.   
They made up that night of course, each promising it wouldn't happen again, followed by some passionate make-up-sex that may or may not have been heard by the surrounding rooms. The next day they were sheepish and sweet to one another, going out of their respective ways to apologize through their actions. All was well again, and the fight forgotten ... for about a week. 

The mission-related fighting and making-up became a bit of a regular thing after that. Sam would get overprotective, she would insist that he wasn't treating her like the other runners and not letting her do her job properly, he would insist that her arguing with or ignoring his commands wasn't letting him do his job properly (to be fair both were true). They mostly kept these arguments private, although there was that one time where Five, Three and Four were returning to Able together with particularly heavy loads (bags of cement mix to be exact) and Five had insisted on playing decoy to let the other two catch their breath. To say that their captive audience was uncomfortable would have been an understatement, and the sad looks they gave Five after she rejoined their group done nothing but fuel her seething anger. Then there was the day that Janine was in the comms shack when one of their more colorful rowels broke out. The words exchanged between Sam and the usually reserved runner had even Janine starting to blush before she kicked a very disgruntled Mr. Yao out of the booth. 

Needless to say they individually received scathing lectures from Janine that night, and for the first time in their relationship they broke the golden rule and went to sleep still angry. Backs to one another Sam eventually drifted off to a fitful slumber, whilst Five threw the covers aside by 3am and crept out to run laps instead as she always did when she couldn't sleep. After that night Sam did try a bit harder to be unbiased, and Five became more compliant, following orders and telling herself she didn't care. "You always were a good soldier" Sara had once said. 

Over the following weeks Five became increasingly withdrawn; following commands on and off the field, giving weak smiles when expected, but her light was slowly being extinguished. She went on her runs, ate when people told her to but didn't if she could avoid them, and stopped hanging out in the Rec room in the evenings. She didn't fight with Sam anymore but she felt like she felt like she was falling apart more than ever. Every time she bit her tongue she felt a piece of her old self die, leaving nothing but a black void for her to fall into. But this was a place she had been before; back before the apocalypse, when she had needed to be medicated to cling to her sanity. She knew that she was relapsing, badly, but felt powerless to do anything about it.

Sam worried about her but hey, they weren't fighting anymore and that was a good thing right? And she was so cuddly, so desperate to be in his arms, to reassure him of her love and be reassured in return, so surely everything would be ok? He told himself.

Five had become increasingly dependent on Sam's affection to hold herself together through the long, long nights, and she hated how pitiful and needy she had become. She hated how sickly thin she looked. She hated how everything was changing so fast that she just couldn't grab on to the pieces of her life as they slipped through her fingers like sand. Mostly she just hated herself. 

On the nights when Sam's warm body wrapped around her own wasn't enough to hold back the darkness within, she would slip out to the track and run, and run, faster and faster away from her demons until her legs gave out and she would breakdown, alone, in the cold of the night.

She told herself the lack of sleep at night was the reason she struggled to get out of bed each day, why she would sleep until an afternoon run, or return to bed after a morning one. She would lie of course about how she spent her time, but when Sam would return to their room at the end of a shift to find her curled up in bed again he would wordlessly slide in behind her, wrap himself around her increasingly tiny frame, and believe whatever story she told him, because believing anything else was too painful, and asking questions only ever seemed to push her further away. 

People expressed their concerns but she had become so good at hiding her illness after years of practice, she had every excuse rehearsed to perfection, knew all the right answers to assure the world that she was fine. After hiding her emotions for nearly a life time, this is where her perfectly blank expression came from. The stoic poker-face that they were all so quick to admire as a great skill was in fact born from her greatest shame. 

There were times when she was desperate for something, anything, to make the pain stop, she would scream out for help in her mind, but soul crushing guilt always held her mouth shut. People had come to expect so much from Five, always strong, always brave, she could handle anything; how could she ever tell them how broken she was? How miserable she was? Especially when they had been so wonderful to her. Able deserved better. Sam deserved better.


	2. Revenge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An ordinary mission turns violent, even the living want runner Five’s blood

It was a normal day, Five was out on a mission to meet with a small group about 40 minutes from Able, who had asked to trade a large supply of various medications in exchange for some of Able's food crops. They had specifically requested runner Five on account of her reputation as a hero, they said she was the only one they would trust. Fives job was simple, observe the supplies with her headcam so that Dr. Meyers could determine their value, then let Janine negotiate a price via her coms piece. She arrived at the agreed location, wary as always, watching the 3 men in the room, hyper aware of their every movement.  
What she didn't anticipate was the taser gun that struck her from behind. Suddenly she was convulsing on the floor, cries of confusion and alarm streaming through her earpiece. It wasn't until they were hoisting her to her feet and tying her hands behind her back that her brain caught up to what was going on. 

The first punch connected with the side of her face, dislodging her headset, before they began shouting and cursing at her, from their remarks she was slowly able to piece together that they were associates of Van Ark, who were out for revenge because she had taken away their promised immortality. 

One of the men who seemed to be the ring leader picked up her fallen head cam and sardonically informed Five that they were going to kill her, and that those who helped her were going to watch. 

It was in that moment that she realized how little she actually cared, she didn't react at all to this news, just stared blankly ahead. Even when the savage blows began, she would wince of course, but remained emotionless. She wouldn't scream, or cry, or beg for her life. This was driving the men wild, they had wanted to watch her suffer. 

They began taunting her, telling her how Sam was begging for her life, whilst Janine sent out a rescue mission that they all know would never arrive in time. They told her about her friends tears and screams, but none of it seemed to register on the runners bleeding face. She zoned out for a minute, perhaps she was concussed? A kick to the stomach caught her by surprise and winded her, and they stopped holding her up and let her fall to her knees. 

Her torturer had become impatient, and drew his knife. He cut the rope that bound her hands and yanked one arm out in front of her. He began slowly carving a long cut down the length of her forearm, at last dragging a strangled cry from the beaten and bloodied runner. The sharp fresh pain awakened something that had been hidden deep within Five, it momentarily dragged her back to her past where this was her way to escape from the pain within. Her mind felt suddenly clearer, sharper than it had been in weeks. She was suddenly VERY aware of the head cam pointing at her, and realized that she didn't want to let Sam watch her die like this. So with her new found clarity and drive she lashed out unexpectedly, bringing the man crashing to the ground and taking his knife in the same swift move. What happened in the minutes following resembled a horror film more so than an action one, as Five used the dripping blade to take out all 3 of the men with unnatural power and precision. 

On her knees she took a few deep breaths whilst taking in the blood soaked scene around her, before pushing herself up from the ground. She pulled her headset off the corpse, held it near to her face and stated in a voice that was devoid of all emotion "runner five returning to base" before throwing it into her backpack and walking out of the room. 

Part way back to base Five ran into her approaching rescue party, consisting of runners Three, Six, Eleven and Fourteen. The relief of spotting her was replaced with sickening horror as they drew nearer. Her battered body was soaked in blood, only half of which was her own. They slowed to a stop and started speaking all at once but she did not hear. They were confused when she simply jogged through the middle of the group, coming to the collective conclusion that she was probably in shock. They rejoined her cautiously; 

"Hey Five..." Started runner three next to her "your um.. Your arms bleeding a fair bit there. Why don't you let me take a look hey? Bandage it up for you?" He asked tentatively whilst reaching gently for her upper arm.  
"DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME" she screamed whilst violently yanking out of his grasp, causing his hand to involuntarily skim down her arm, sliding through the thick layers of fresh and congealing blood.  
"Just stay with her" Maxine quickly reminded them "gently guide her home... She might collapse"

The runners tried to offer her a headset on several occasions, mostly due to Sam's persistent begging, but Five ignored them. Her initially brisk pace slowed considerably over the journey as her vision began to grow dark and fuzzy around the edges, but she never stopped. Five came through the gates and slowed to a walk, her eyes focused exclusively on the ground. 

Janine had done her best to disperse the crowd in the seconds between when they arrived at the gates and the runners entered. Maxine had warned everyone (particularly Sam) not to overwhelm Five, not to touch her if she wasn't ready.  
Five walked past her waiting reception in the direction of the hospital. Sam's face was tear streaked as he tried to gently talk to her, to coax her out of the trance she was in, but to no avail. She walked all the way to the decontamination shower, practically staggering by the time she reached it as the adrenalin wore off. She stood under the water still fully clothed, and finally collapsed into darkness.


	3. Wake up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five awakes after her harrowing ordeal, plagued by nightmares of what she almost let happen, and the shards of her past that were dragged up in the process

The following afternoon Five finally awoke with a hazy groan of pain, she could feel Sam hovering above her before she registered that he was holding her hand.

"Five? Five can you hear me?" Sam called ever so softly

Five hesitantly opened one eye to look at him, and on confirming that the light did not significantly worsen the pounding in her head she opened the other eye too and blinked several times.

"Heeey, there you are" he whispered with a small smile on his tired, haunted looking face.

She let her swollen lids fall shut again as Sam continued to talk

"I've been so worried about you, do you know where you are?”

She gave the smallest of nods

"Good, that's good" Sam repeated in encouragement, gently stroking her hair. "Do you ...remember what happened?" He asked more hesitantly.

Her closed eyes squeezed tight, and she rolled away towards the wall despite the pain that exploded through her entire body as she did so. She pulled the sheet up over her small curled up form, covering her face, but she did not cry. She couldn't. She feared that once the tears started they might never stop.

"Hey it's ok, it's ok Five, we don't have to talk about it. You're safe now" Sam rambled trying to reassure her, his thumb rubbing soft circles as he gently held her covered shoulder. 

But it wasn't ok, nothing is ok Five thought miserably, she hadn't even wanted to live and now she had taken three lives to spare her own. It was different with Van Ark, he was hurting a lot of people, and the rocket launcher made the kill feel further removed. But these men? Well they were just giving her something that she already wanted, and she savagely killed them, her hands soaked in their blood as she ripped through the jugular with the small knife and blood sprayed across her face.  
IT IS NOT OK she was now screaming in her head. 

"I just need to let Maxine know that you've woken up" Sam said reluctantly. "but I'll be back in just a second I swear” 

Five did vaguely consider leaving during his brief absence, but honestly where could she even go in Able? Would her body even move? 

"Sweetie it's Maxine" the doctor said rather unnecessarily as she sat on the edge of the bed by Fives back. "I need to check your vitals, I'm going to move this sheet ok?" She said said with a soft yet decided voice. 

Five didn't make and sound or movement in either acknowledgment or protest and the Maxine got to work trying to examine the unresponsive ball of bandages that was runner Five. When she was finished Maxine let out I sigh and gave Five's hand a squeeze 

"we're all here for you, ya know?" A moment later the doc stood up and left the room. 

Sam filled the silence with his trademark chit-chat, and although she didn't really listen to the words it was soothing none the less, and she was soon back in a restless sleep. 

She awoke again that evening with a hazy feeling of panic in her chest, and was not quite sure if she had been dreaming or if this painful constricting feeling was just her new state of being. She sat up and worked on slowing her breath. After a few minutes she observed that the time was 7pm and Sam was asleep in the chair by her bed, where he had most likely been for more than 24 hours now. He looked awful, but then compared to her he probably looked like roses. Five could feel the swelling around her eye, the way broken skin pulled when she moved her jaw and she was glad that there was no where to see her own reflection. She was also glad for the painkillers that had obviously been administering to keep the worst of it under control, Maxine had definitely said something about fractures and stitches, but right now her entire body felt broken so it was hard to be sure what she had missed from the earlier conversation. 

She gently tugged at Sam's hand to wake him, and felt a new wash of guilt about his current state when he sleepily smiled at her and leaned forward from his chair.

"Hey" he whispered before giving her hand a gentle kiss. For a moment all she could do was stare at her offending hand that didn't deserve to be in his.

"You're going to miss dinner" she said flatly, still looking down at their hands.

"Oh?" He says glancing up at the clock "I'll have them bring us something" he said with the same soft, tired smile. 

Five gently shook her head to decline the food, which no longer surprised Sam, but worried him none the less. 

"I'm ok" she continued "but you should go, stretch your legs, be with people, you look like you've had a rough few days ..." Because of me, she had wanted to add but didn't. Sam gave a loud one syllable laugh, and Five realized the hypocrisy of what she had said, subconsciously touching her face. 

"I don't need other people, I have you" he said lovingly, squeezing their still interlaced hands. 

"I don't think I count right now Sam" she said sadly "please don't make me worry about you" she added finally meeting his eyes. She knew that she was fighting dirty with that last line but it was true as well. 

"Ok" Sam finally relented, "but what about you?" He asked with concern. 

"I just want to sleep" I just want to be alone, is what she meant, "don't worry I'm not going anywhere, couldn't if I tried" she tried to say playfully but the pain the smile caused her face was obvious. 

Sam looked at her for a long time

"Go on" she prompted.

"Ok, but I won't be long, and I'll have Maxine check in on you" he said with more sureness than she had heard in his voice all day. 

He stood up placing the gentlest possible kiss in the least damaged part of her face. He desperately wanted to hug her, pull her in close and against him and finally feel reassured that she really was home and safe, but he didn't know if there was a place we could even rest his arms that wouldn't cause her more pain and the thought broke him a little more. 

Going to the dinning hall was a good idea though, and he was grateful as always that Five knew him better than he knew himself. He hadn't realized how isolated he had been with his grief and worry, aside from Sam there was a strict 'no visitors' order regarding runner Five, even Janine hadn't been granted access yet. Once in the dining hall he was immediately swamped in the love and support of his runners, they were such a close knit group and Sam immediately felt some of the weight lift from his shoulders. He told them the basic run down of her condition, and that the only thing she had really said so far was fussing about looking after him, and refusing her dinner. 

"So she's back to her old self already then?" Three quipped, earning a small chorus of short, half hearted laughs, and Sam had to admit that those 3 things; being quiet, refusing food, and trying to look after everyone else, was in fact Five in a nutshell, but the reality was that she was far from being herself, had been for a while.

A little later Maxine bought Five food anyway, which she of course refused, Maxine employed a similar tactic to the one that Five had just used on Sam, telling the runner how worried they all were about her, how worried Sam was. Five shot her a harsh cold glare for the manipulation, but her glare immediately crumpled into a look of extreme guilt for lashing out (in her mind and gaze anyway) at Maxine, it was an emotion that Maxine had never been privy to see on Five before. The runner resumed staring intently down at her hands in her lap. 

"I don't feel well" was the eventual faint reply, and it really wasn't stretching the truth that much, the pain, the drugs, the knot of emotions in her stomach, all combined to make eating seem like a positively insurmountable act. Maxine gently placed a cool hand on her forehead before gently taking her hand and giving her a sad but knowing look. 

"Well ok, as long as you have breakfast in the morning I guess I'll let it slide just this once" the doctor said with a tight smile that barely lifted the corners of her mouth, much like the smile that Five returned in response. 

"One condition though" the doctor added rather belatedly "you have to start talking to someone about how your feeling, you weren't ok even before yesterday. If you cant talk to Sam about it then talk to me, or a friend, Janine even..." she said with some exasperated hand waving.

"I'm fine" was all Five replied in an emotionless, detached tone. Her eyes were now cold and distant again, any trace of vulnerability gone. Fives walls were up again and Maxine knew she was getting nowhere tonight. Before Maxine could let out a frustrated sigh Sam returned to the room

"Miss me?" He asked, more chipper than he had been just a short while before, whilst placing another incredibly gentle kiss this time just above her hairline, as she gazed up towards him, her expression unreadable, but she took his hand and that seemed to be enough of an answer for Sam. 

Maxine had left, and Sam had been in the room all of 5 minutes, trying unsuccessfully to coax her out of her shell but Five just couldn't seem to open her mouth, his worried look was returning and she couldn't handle seeing it. With her one usable arm she scooted over to the far edge of the bed and motioned to the space she had created for him. His eyes lit up on registering her invitation, and he carefully climbed in next to her, placing an arm behind her as she rested her head wearily on his chest, eyes closed, trying to keep the tears at bay. 

They soon fell asleep in this position, and it was hours later, in the dead of the night when her dream began. It was a vivid memory of the killings, every detail, every spray of blood the same, but when all went still she looked down at her arms and saw not the cut left by the men, but all the cuts she had inflicted in the past, all new and open at once, her blood pouring out in thick rivers. And Sam was in her headset screaming at her, what had she done? How could she do this to them? 

She was apologizing furiously and trying to cover them, to stop the bleeding but there was so much blood on her hands already that she couldn't get her fingers to work, everything seemed to slide away from her touch. There was so much blood the room seemed to be filling up, she was still trying feebly to put pressure on her wounds but nothing would work. The corpses were somehow above her now, blood raining down, she was going to drown in all the blood that she had shed. Sam was still screaming in her headset, she had hurt him, why wasn't he enough for her? She was about to go under the sea of red, she was going to die of her own doing. She was crying whilst screaming and that she was sorry, over and over...

"FIVE! FIVE!" She was shaking, or rather being shaken, "WAKE UP! OH GOD FIVE PLEASE!” 

She snapped out of it with a strangled cry, and threw herself upright to a seated position gasping for air that didn't seem to exist. Then the memory of the nightmare hit her with sickening force and she threw herself off the bed, IV drip wrenching out of her arm, she barely made it the 2 steps to the sink by the time she started retching awfully, with nothing to bring up but a small amount of bile. An alarmed looking Maxine was in the room by that point, surveying the scene and swooping into action, pulling back her hair, rubbing her back, and making soothing sounds whilst Five cried, chest heaving, trying to catch her breath. Sam had been positively in shock, but now jumped up to help Maxine lead her back over to the bed, but Five gently pulled away from them

"I just...need a minute" Five managed to tell them in a breaking voice as she limped towards to washroom and locked the door. She buried her face in a towel, trying to muffle the sobs that she couldn't hold in any longer. 

Sam tried for a long time to have her open the door, but eventually just sat by it to wait. It took the best part of an hour for her to pull herself together enough to walk back out. She stopped in the doorway and Sam stood up, wrapping an arm around her waist before they walked back to the room together. 

"I really wish you'd let me be there for you" said Sam defeatedly as they settled back onto the single bed together. 

She wanted to tell him that he was, pointless as it may be, but as usual words failed her and she buried her face into his chest instead, clinging to him, with the full force of the guilt from her nightmare hanging over her head. They lay awake like this for a long time before Sam worked up the courage to ask her about the nightmare.

"Can you tell me about it? About the dream?" Sam asked asked suddenly

Five let out a long breath,

"You know" She said, finding to her surprise that she could speak again

"But that's the thing, yesterday, when everything was happening, you were just so...so silent? Like we were all so frantic and those guys were yelling all kinds of things and what struck me more than anything was how you just took it, you know? Didn't even flinch. But then in your nightmare you were screaming and thrashing and..." He trailed off not sure how to finish what he wanted to ask

"At the time I had to stay strong Sam, dreams are different" she lied through gritted teeth

Sam sighed before continuing to the heart of his question

"You were saying that you were 'sorry' Five, you were saying 'Sam I'm sorry' "

Sam felt her freeze, like a deer in his headlights, her every muscle tensed for a fight-or-flight response. Sam was sure that she was going to have a panic attack or something awful and immediately regretted asking. He was reminding her to breathe, and preparing himself to hold her if she tried to run, but nothing happened. She slowly regained control and sat up to face him, but fuck she just couldn't speak! Selective mutism she had been told as a child, a side effect of her mental illness. She looked at Sam, desperate to say something, to say anything. Sam was looking at her somewhat perplexed waiting for her to start, she was clearly going to say something but then never did

"Cat got your tongue?" He joked lightly trying to ease her tension, but when she met his eyes suddenly with a look of pure sadness and pleading he was genuinely thrown. They sat like that for a few moments until Sam reached over for Maxine's clipboard, 

"Could you write it?" He asked with a puzzled look. 

Five looked at what was being offered, deciding that yes actually she could. Much to Sam's relief she slowly took it with hands that were starting to quiver slightly. Holding it up where Sam couldn't yet read, she wrote:  
I was dying, and I was sorry for how much pain I was causing you. I still am sorry Sam, I'm sorry for everything

She buried her face into his chest again before releasing to note for him to read. It may have only been half of the story but it was true none the less.

A small "oh.." Was the first sound to escape Sam's lips whilst his brain ticked over what he was reading "oh Five" he started again, voice starting to break as tears fell. He hugged her tight, much tighter than he would have had he been thinking. Five's bruised and fractured ribs were protesting but she was glad, she deserved to feel pain she thought as her silent tears soaked through Sam's shirt. 

"Five you can't ... You can't apologize, you can't blame yourself for what happened!..." He was rambling on in shocked protest of what she had written, telling her it wasn't her fault, that she had nothing to be sorry for. But he didn't know. He didn't know that she had wanted it, wanted to die that day, how close she was to letting it happen. And in her dream, it was her that had ended her life, all the blood was on her hands, not her assailants.


	4. It's over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Four: Five is trying to convince everyone that she is ok whilst simultaneously losing touch with reality and self sabotaging

They were both quiet the next day, Five processing her feelings of guilt, and the fact that she had cried in front of Sam, and Sam pondering all the events of last night. It was 11am when Five stifled a small yawn 

"You should get some more rest" Sam said rather suddenly getting to his feet "will you be ok if I go shower and stuff?”

Five rolled her eyes and gave him a small nod. He kissed her forehead and walked out. But not all the way to the exit, no his foot steps definitely stopped at Maxine's office followed by the soft closing of the door. They were talking about her, of course they would, but that didn't make her comfortable with the thought. She needed to prove to them that she was ok ... Well she wanted to make them think that she was at least. She couldn't just lay around anymore after that. 

She left the hospital and shuffled slowly and stiffly over to a quiet corner of the vegetable garden, a place where she often went to be alone. The head gardener in the distance gave her a wave, used to Fives presence at this point, although quietly thinking that she probably wasn't supposed to be out of the hospital based on what he had heard. 

It was relaxing to be outside, although she hadn't really come up with any answers. At noon a bell sounded the start of lunch service and she found herself following it out of habit. Yes this is good, she thought, prove that your normal, your coping and moving on. It wasn't until she entered the mess hall that the stares reminded her of her appearance, the bruises, the bandages, to say that she looked rough was an understatement, but at least some of the swelling had gone down. She straightened up and made her movements as measured and commanding as possible. She exuded strength and determination. She took a tray and say at the table with the handful of runners who weren't out at the time. She didn't say anything but received a round of surprised and confused greetings. 

"Didn't think they'd let you out yet..?" Said Three, as more of a question than a statement. Five shrugged in response, a clear 'they haven't', and picked at her food.

"How do you feel? Pretty sore by the looks!" Chimed Six to prevent an awkward silence

"I'm fine" she said with a look around to all the occupants of the table that said I'll flatten you if you think any different. 

But this was the strong immovable Five they all knew so it was kind of reassuring in a way. She had always been able to communicate quite a lot with very few words. General conversation slowly resumed around the table. It was Five's luck that this was one of the rare days when Maxine didn't eat lunch at her desk, she was momentarily stopped in her tracks when she spotted the injured runner, but quickly recovered and squeezed in between Eleven and Fourteen to sit directly in front of her

"Five" Maxine said in a stern questioning tone, that backed up everyone's earlier assumptions that Five was not supposed to be up and about

"Oh hi Maxine" Five said in a sickly sweet voice verging on sarcasm with a smile to match. 

Five knew that she was being unfairly hostile towards the doctor but clinging to anger felt stronger than anything else she she had to stand on.

Sam came in a short time later looking flustered but relaxed immediately upon spotting Five at the table. He had been looking for her. 

"Hey guys" Sam said uncertainly as he came up behind her.

"Sam" Five said with a forced smile up towards him, she stood up, gave him a small kiss on his still flushed cheek and said in her best attempt at a cheerful voice "take my seat, I'm finished"

"I'll walk you back to the hospital" said Maxine who was now standing to imply that it was absolutely not optional. Sam was still standing there not sure what to say when the two women walked away. 

"You've really got your hands full with that one haven't ya" joked runner Eleven. This was followed by some general light hearted banter about Five being Five, and what had Sam been thinking, followed with a cheeky comment by Three about how he was probably too busy looking at her 'assets' to think. Sam knew what they were doing, but it was working anyway. 

Arriving back at the hospital Five asked

"Shall I report to your office for a lecture or go directly to jail?" With the same sarcasm from earlier  
"Where ever you'd feel more comfortable talking”

Five chose the office, it left her the possibility of retreating to her room.

"You and Sam exchange any good gossip earlier?" She said whilst lowering herself to the chair, the exaggerated attitude now barely concealing her rising anxiety.

"Well your all sass now aren't you? Any relation to the painkillers that you haven't been taking today?" The doctor replied in a less than amused tone. If only it were that simple. This time Five remained silent, just folded her arms and looked at the doctor expectantly.  
Maxine sighed and leaned forward onto her desk, her face softening to a look of concern

"Well that brings us to my next question, have you ever had difficulties with speech before?"

Five leveled a cold angry glare at the doctor, her chair scraped loudly as she stood suddenly and stormed out. She knew Maxine probably wouldn't follow her into her hospital room but she was too angry to stay, and Sam would be back soon. She was going to strangle Sam. She hadn't really considered that he might tell maxine that detail. 

This time she chose one of her hiding spots that Sam definetly didn't know about, a steep pitched barn roof along the back wall of able where she was only visible to the occasional shambler outside, but even they wouldn't notice her when she was still. Her mind was racing. If Maxine does keep tugging at the speech issue how long will it be until everything else unravels? There was nothing that triggered her anxiety more than people questioning her mental health, ironic huh? 

It took four long hours to calm down enough that her guilty conscience (over how worried Sam would currently be) and fatigue convinced her to come down from the roof. She wouldn't go back to the hospital though, she went instead to their bedroom. It was nice to be back in her own bed and she drifted off in record time, stirring only when Sam was wrapping himself around her a half hour later. He started asking questions, telling her about how worried they all were, but she cut him off with a gentle "ssssshhh" as she snuggled into him and he let her keep sleeping. 

It could wait, Sam decided, he was so relieved just to have her back, and she was so cute when she was sleepy he thought idly whilst stroking her face and hair. When she started to twitch and move in her sleep he gently woke her up, not wanting a repeat of last night, as insightful as it was. She awoke gently but hugged him tightly,

"Thanks Sam" she whispered sleepily

He replied with a kiss to the top of her head, and a small squeeze of his arms around her that made her yelp

"Shit sorry" Sam apologized

" 'S ok" she said tilting her head back to place a kiss on his jaw. He adjusted and pressed his mouth to hers, savoring this simple pleasure they had been without the past few days. 

"So where were you today?" Asked Sam

Five started gently kissing him again

"Hey" laughed Sam after a few seconds "I'm not that easily distracted”

"Are you sure?" Teased Five before returning her mouth to his. He used his lips to push her away

"Yes" he said with a playful smile

She returned her head to his shoulder with a sigh

"I was just...thinking about everything..." 

"Where?" He pressed, wanting to uncover her hiding spot for future reference.

"Doesn't matter, I just needed some space ok?" 

"But you can't just disappear on everyone like that. Not when we've all been so worried about you" he paused before adding "and I'm not just talking about the last three days either" 

A small ‘sorry’ was all she could mutter. The implications of his statement starting to cripple her speech faculties, they had noticed. 

Realizing that's all he was going to get Sam let out a small huff of frustration. Space? He thought, space from him? The idea hurt a little, but he already knew they were quite opposite when it came to processing their feelings; he needed to talk things through with somebody else, where as she would always retreat into herself to think. 

"Well next time just tell me where your going. Or just tell me to go away and stay where I know your safe”

Five immediately recognized the hurt in his tone, but didn't trust herself to speak, so she opted for a physical response; carefully placing her entire body on top of him, legs entwined, face nuzzling into his neck. 

"Comfy?" He asked

She nodded

"Good coz I'm not letting you go" he said sounding more like himself "Although we should take you back to the hospital" he added

She shook her head this time

"Difficult woman" he muttered teasingly

Over the following days Five became increasingly erratic and distressed as she struggled to process the message of that nightmare. The same nightmare that she continued to have every night, the details varied slightly but the message stayed the same, she would kill herself and Sam would never for give her for it. As she sunk further into her depression she began to believe more and more that it was going to happen; that she would end up taking her life, she had always been sick, it was foolish to think she would ever get better.  
In her mind Five could come to only one possible solution:

She would have to leave Sam. 

Her death would crush him, even if it looked like an accident, which honestly shouldn’t be too hard in a zombie apocalypse. Breaking up with him first would be the lesser of two evils. The thought was unbearably painful. But at the same time, she was comforted in knowing that she wouldn't have to suffer for long, just enough for him to stop caring. And that wouldn't take long she thought; she was a waste of space, a terrible partner, he was better off without her, it was for his own good really.

Those kind of thoughts consumed her.  
It was suffocating.  
She couldn't think straight.  
Was she tired or dizzy?  
Maybe she just needed to eat.  
had she been eating lately?  
She couldn't really remember but the idea was making her nauseous. 

Despite her injuries she some how found herself in her running gear at the track. She started her laps, the pain barely registering through the thick fog of her mind. 

So didn't know it was minutes or hours.  
She couldn't see.  
No her eyes had been closed.  
But everything was still hazy.  
Sam wouldn't leave her thoughts.  
She could see him standing before her, telling her to stop.

No wait, Sam really was there, telling her to stop. 

She had almost run straight into him but startled at the sudden realization and dodged around. She was still processing what had happened when she realized that she was running toward him again. She was beginning to doubt at that point that he was real, hallucinations didn't seem like that much of a stretch for her mental state, however the fact that the track was a circle was somehow beyond her comprehension. He was reaching for her, she sped up to pass him, the effort causing her vision to dim, and then....everything went black.

She awoke with a great deal of confusion, not quite sure what was happening or how she had got there.

"You're in the hospital" said Sam's voice in a short clipped tone somewhere off in the distance "You passed out"

Five was still confused. Sam was standing on the other side of the room, leaning against the wall. 

"Why were you running?" He asked angrily

Five hesitated, "Because I'm a runner?" She replied, eyebrows knitted in thought. She looked at Sam who in turn glared at her angrily

"Not right now you’re not, you’re injured" he snapped, but then softened as he approached the bed

Five sat up, already feeling defensive

"Besides" Sam began with some hesitation "Janine and I were talking and...well we think you should give up running. For now at least"

Five was immediately on her feet

"What are you talking about?!” she demanded, panic spiking

"It's too dangerous for you to be out there Five! Van Ark had a lot of friends" said Sam, his voice rising.

"Janine wants to take me off the roster?" Said Five in hurt anger

"Well no...she said it was your choice"

"Oh I see! YOU don't want me to run anymore. That's it isn't it?" She hissed

"You're not yourself anymore. I almost lost you the other day" Sam pleaded

"You ARE going to lose me Sam. That's a fact. I'm a runner and sooner or later I will die"

Sam was in stunned silence

"We talked about this Sam, you knew that well before you got involved with me"

"But you don't have to run anymore Five, your a hero, you've done more than enough for everyone already"

"You can't change me Sam, this is what I am now, this is who the world has made me!"

Five was seething, channeling her months of pain and inner torture, deliberately fueling her own anger to do what needed to be done. It's now or never her brain was telling her. There was a short hesitant pause before she continued; letting her voice drop back to normal volume 

“This isn't going to work, there's no point..." She took a deep breath before continuing

"Its over Sam”

**Author's Note:**

> Any feedback would be appreciated before I post the next chapter!
> 
> Get ready for some hurt, it's all downhill from here!


End file.
